Lame Joke of the Day

Q: How much is the French President approximately worth today?

Answer (scroll over to read): Approximately 1.51 Euros. Sar kor ji = SGD 3.20 / EURSGD ($2.120) = EUR 1.51

Uncle RB's Guide to Banking Mumbo Jumbo

Drawn from various news aggregators over the past few months:

"We have the lowest cost-income ratio in the market"
- We pay peanuts. The Tong Garden kind, not the NKF kind.

"Do everything in the best interest of your clients"
- Make sure that your clients do well enough to pay you.

"We will outperform market expectations"
- We will lose less money than you think.

"We believe strongly in work-life balance."
Work-life is balanced, i.e. work-life = 0, or work = life. Simple Algebra, QED.

"X% of our portfolio is good quality"
- (1-x%) of our portfolio is utter crap.

"We want to enter profitable businesses"
- see point 2 above.

"We have no direct subprime exposure"
- All our subprime exposure is off balance sheet in a cleverly hidden SIV. We had to change the name from SPV as the SPV name was getting a very bad rep from association with a company the name rhyme with Penron one. Damn leceh right.

"We believe our shares are undervalued"
- The share price is below the strike value of my executive stock options.

"I am firmly committed to the company"
- Most of my pay is in now worthless options. See previous point on 'Undervalued'.

"We have X amount in CDO holdings"
- We may eventually write off more than X as companies default and correlations go to 1.

"It is company policy not to comment on such matters"
- My boss will kill me if I tell you the truth.

Useful, but too late to help the FYP

Haiz.
http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=905

Uncle RB's guide on getting time off

To: HR/All Staff
CC: *Insert bank name here*/All Staff

Subject: Day off for Award Collection.

Dear Whoever,

You will be pleased to know that I have rather comfortably won an award for outstanding alumni from my college. As the event will take place tomorrow afternoon (which is a working day as I'm sure you are aware), I will be leaving the office at 1600HRS sharp.

There is this small matter of me being away from my desk in the meantime, but I'm sure you will be able to process my requirements in an expeditious manner. After all, I will be bringing prestige to *insert bank name here*. After all, how many employers get to boast of having an outstanding college alumni amongst their staff?

I have cc-ed the rest of the bank in order for them to share this joy, and this email also serves to notify the rest of my desk that I will be away early tomorrow.

I have no doubt that you are delighted to be hearing the good news, and I must say it was a pleasure for me to share this with everyone as well.

Have a good day ahead, and I'll be sure to send you plenty of photos of the event so that this happiness can properly be shared with everyone.


Kind Regards
XXX

Hairy Porter and the Deathly Hellos (Singapore Special)

*Ring ring*

"Hello?"

*ominous music*

"Hello... Recall... Recall... Report to Camp within 6 hours..."

*Despairing Scream*

"NoOooOOOOoOOo......"

Vampire vs Jiang Si

Random thoughts...

Is a Chinese Jiang Si (Vampire) afraid of crosses?

Or will an english vampire like Dracula stop if you stick the yellow talisman on it?

hmmm.

Chicken Pie!

And this is why I read kennysia =D

rb the hedgehog

Strangely enough although I'm not supposed to be handling sensitive stuff... oh well.

In the words of a fellow batchmate,

"You is becoming a hedgehog"

Why? Cos when all the arrows stick out of your back, they look like spines right?
Maybe I shouldn't have had that SPINElli coffee at lunch. Ok sorry. Lame joke.

Even more strangely, the stuff I'm doing now seems more important, more relevant and above all more interesting that the other stuff I've been doing.

Other thoughts are that the higher ups DO know about the problems within their departments, and that sometimes, its just more important to get the freaking job done.

Won't elaborate more, and this is because as a recent case has shown, blogs are not really all that private, AND this might be viewed as... unprofessional.

What to do? Can't fight with some of the porfessionals in there right? Don't want to either. Just leave me alone to do what needs to be done. Don't waste my time with petty politicking.

Don't waste my time with silo mentalities either. If the information is wanted, and such information is with another department, then why the hell am I almost stopped from contacting said department for said information? Am I seriously supposed to comb through the financials of EVERY SINGLE FREAKING BANK IN SINGAPORE to consolidate the data (which even then might not be available in the annual reports)?

Time for a wake up call.

After all, some are so fond of saying

"Don't re-invent the wheel"

But apparently there are wheels and then there are square wheels. If the wheel you're currently using is SQUARE, then its time to invent a different wheel right?

BANKAI!

Shamelessly ripped from beA's blog:

It came down to a tie between Ukitake, Byakuya and Ichimaru... but..

I is SCHEMING!


You scored as Ichimaru Gin, You're Ichimaru Gin, Captain of the Third Division!
There's something that twists the insides of people when you smile in that certain, creepy way. You also might have a few people that you get to do your 'dirty work' for you. After all, it's easier to look uninvolved and keep your hands clean while you pull strings behind the scenes!

Which of the Thirteen Division Captains (from Bleach) are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Looking forward to the weekend

Ya I realise its about 5 days away but still, am very much looking forward to next Saturday.

$2 for breakfast + a screening of that movie where there's alot of people (both children and adults) grabbing something long and hard which shoots stuff out of one end. In certain cases, they even fight with those long and hard things...
Sounds like a really wild movie...

Ya I know its quite late, cos the movie started screening a few days ago, but what to do? Not as... privileged as monster, who's already watched it.

Be Careful

Was on the way home, when I saw this poster at the LRT station.

"You cannot be sure he is not a molester"

Which seems at first glance to be a perfectly fine poster targeted at children warning them to be careful of strangers.

But then again, there's a double negative, which is not exactly really easy for children to understand. Then again, kids nowadays are damn smart. They may not be able to spell properly, but they sure as hell know how to use computers and the funny programs on your DVD player.

Lets consult that all-knowing repository of knowledge.

"Litotes is a rhetorical device which uses double negation to emphasise a statement. By denying its opposite, the double negation cancels itself out and resolves to a positive..."

Essentially, 2 negatives cancel out to a positive and thus:

"You cannot be sure he is not a molester"

So each person you don't know is a molester?

Uh oh... looks like I gotta start being more friendly in the daily commute to work. Gotta know more people so less people think I is a molester okie.

Not that anyone would.

Rabbits are harmless creatures =)

Quote - 13 Jun 2007

I'll bend over backward for you. Now you bend over forward for me.

=D

I is Lazy!

Yesterday: Happy Birthday nomis!

Today: Happy Birthday SCB! No matter what you say, you'll always be SCB. hurhurhur. =p

Auditor Recommended Reading

For the girls who get forced to drink at functions:
http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/06/10/asia/10korea-web.php

Of course, for those who WANT to be drinking... don't let it hold you back =)

And then the Frog King Croaked

Pun intended.

Ya... watched Shrek 3 yesterday, where the frog king passed away *spoiler alert*.

Somebody's favourite green ogre is next in line for the throne, but I guess he just doesn't have the "king" pattern. Well, as in I'm quite sure he's somebody's favourite green ogre, but not really mine.

So what to do? He has to go some place far, far away from far, far away (the king-less kingdom) to bring back the only other person in line for the throne, Arthur Pendragon *spoiler alert*

Accompanying Shrek on his journey (which includes journey of self discovery) are the usual 2 sidekicks, Donkey and Puss in Boots (I think the most popular favourite character) who and magically swap bodies thanks to a screwup. *spoiler alert*

Not too bad, and everyone seeks their happily ever after. *spoiler alert*

As will I. =D

Of Smelly Neighbours

Not saying anything in particular, but I came across this in Google Maps in my websurfing...

Chao (Translation: Hokkien for smelly, for those of you less dialectically inclined) Chu Kang, indeed.

As a sidenote, I realise I stay in a really ulu place. I mean, alot of people say that Bukit Panjang is quite ulu, but I never quite realised its in the middle of a water catchment area and surrounded by forest. I'm referring to the Bukit Panjang on the right, of course. Fortunately I stay in the urbanised area, but then this means I have a smelly neighbour =(

Interview Woes

This happened to

This is a hypothetical scenario that did NOT happen to me.

*Phone rings*
Me: "Harro?"
*Silence*
Counterparty (frostily): "Hi, its so-and-so. Just to inform you that we've closed our headcount for your application."
Methinks "Whoops."

=.="

Firms for dummies

Essentially, there are 4 types of firms:
Very soft, soft, firm, very firm.

#1. Soul proprietorship
A soul proprietor is in the business of collecting souls. Essentially, this means you can do more or less whatever you want, as long as at the end of the day you are accountable for your own actions. Death doesn't let you keep what is rightfully his right?

#2. Partnership
This means that 2 people get together and do whatever they want. However, since they can do whatever they want they are also answerable for their own actions. A firm of more than 2 partners is called an orgy, however for the sake of convenience most people refer to all such types as a partnership. Most localities limit the number of partners one can have. In Singapore, although monogamy is supposedly practiced, apparently the legal number of partners allowed is 20, at the same time. Critics of Singapore's closed-minded approach may wish to note that this has been in place since like forever and certain areas even allow UP TO 50 PARTNERS AT THE SAME TIME! But of course, its not really 50 is it? It would be actually 49 partners per person, which is probably mindboggling to the most of you.

#3. Privates Limited Company
This gets slightly confusing, but apparently the bottomline is that you can do whatever you want and yet escape blame for it. However, this type of firm is slightly unwieldy as there are restrictions on the number of people allowed to be involved in your privates, which in most cases are admittedly not very large.

#4. Public Limited Company
The "Limited" here is to throw a veneer of respectability on the type of firm. Essentially, Public means that you're literally up for grabs and any Tom's, Dick is or Harry will be able to sink their grubby fingers into you. The good news is that you can also do whatever you want without being held to blame for it. You may get fired but there's usually a generous severance package. Also, you get paid a helluvalot and are usually quite large. The process by which a small firm enlarges and becomes a large firm is called an IPO.

Essentially, those are the 4 major types of firms. Certain smaller hybrids have spawned recently, including the Limited Liability Partnership (Orgy up to 20 people without being held accountable) and REIT (Really Exciting and Interesting Thingie), but the 4 are the tradisional ones that you'll find in any law textbook.

Recommended Reading

"Toast will always land on its buttered side"
-Anonymous-

"Cats will always land on their feet"
-Anonymous-

What happens when the 2 conflict?
Read more here.

Telltale sign #1 of a lady driver

Telltale sign #1:
Car is going at 80km/h on the right/second rightmost lane of the expressway, and cars are overtaking it any way they can.

Sample size: 3.
Number of observations: 3.

Oh well... I know it doesn't apply to everyone ya.

In other news, I think I have discovered a new hobby.

Let it be... "Cats!"

Heh.